Author of You Are Not Your Mother: Releasing Generational Trauma & Shame and Difficult Mothers, Adult Daughters: A Guide for Separation, Liberation & Inspiration
the art of...
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I have lived my life with an anxious, terrified, shameful whisper in my brain: I am bad and no one likes me. There's no coming back from how bad I am. I can't remember a time it wasn't there. I have also lived my life being naturally engaged, sensitive, creative, generous, courageous, goofy, curious, and intense. I can't remember a time when I wasn't one or more of those things. If you have a similar dichotomy, know this: The things you hate about yourself and the things you love about yourself live inside you at the same time...they always have (and they always will). And if you hate anything about yourself, that may have become an additional source of shame because we live in a world of "high vibes only," toxic positivity, and spiritual/emotional bypassing. We should "know better" than to let "negativity" in. Our struggles with shame are inextricably linked to our joy and aliveness. There is nothing to fix or improve or get rid of. I (for the most part) no longer feel like a victim of shame. I am actually grateful to it but not in a "find-the-silver-lining-because-it-happened-FOR-me" kind of way. It has shown me how... ...to express myself vulnerably and creatively and fiercely. ...to be with both the shadow and light that lives in myself and in others. ...to embody the hard-back-soft-front-wild-heart of compassion (thank you Brené Brown for that phrase). I swallowed shame. I spit out gold. We can hold both our light and our dark with equal amounts of reverence and gratitude. The inability to be with the stuff inside us that disgusts and scares us is destabilizing, dysregulating, and paralyzing. It creates helplessness. Inaction. Shut down. It literally disconnects us from ourselves and others. This is by design (physiologically) and it has been corrupted and used against us by systems and institutions. Also by design. It also makes it hard to fully own our courage, joy, and love...to be the truth-tellers we want to be. Swallow the shame. Spit out the gold. Much, much love, Karen Ways to work with me: 1:1 "We're Off To See The Wizard": A Values Workshop (June 6, 2026) |
Karen C.L. Anderson
Author of You Are Not Your Mother: Releasing Generational Trauma & Shame and Difficult Mothers, Adult Daughters: A Guide for Separation, Liberation & Inspiration
"My mother doesn't understand my boundaries! She doesn't get it when I ask her not to post photos of my kids on social media. She says it's not hurting anything and wants to know why it bothers me. I never know what to say because then I start to question whether I am just trying to punish her. I am so frustrated!" She understands your request, but she rejects your authority to make it. So it makes all the sense in the world that you're frustrated. You're clear about your request. You know...
Do you know someone who tells the same stories over and over again?And you're like, "oh here we go again..."Maybe that someone is you? (pssssst...it's me too)I had a little ah-ha about it the other day. One of the things we do in the Shame School Community is tell stories. I have a specific way of eliciting these stories. I ask for specific details. I look for clues and cues that tell me how their stories land in their bodies. I also tell stories, as an example. Storytelling is part of the...
[Pre-S: values workshop details below] Being human and all, we have this tendency to make meaning of Every. Single. Thing. What other people do. What other people say. What we say to ourselves. [about ourselves] The sensations we feel in our bodies. This is normal and it's what helps us survive. We feel hunger, we eat. We feel tired, we sleep. We sense danger, we protect. Our bodies and brains are so highly evolved. And we've been conditioned to NOT pay attention to... or honor... or trust......