"Should I tell my mother that her words and behavior are hurtful to me? How should I approach it?"​
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Dear Adult Daughter...
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I will never forget a conversation I had 15-ish years ago with my father-in-law, who died in 2015. He was a soft-spoken, unassuming, and very wise Lutheran pastor originally from Canada.
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I was telling him about the difficult relationship I had with my mother and what I might do to make it better.
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He listened patiently and replied – quietly, simply, and with a cadence and lilt I will always associate with him:
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​“Good luck with that.”​
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I remember thinking how…un-pastor-like his response was. What was I supposed to do with that? Years later I understood what he left unspoken:
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There's nothing you can do to make it better that's not at your own expense. Not to mention, it's not your responsibility.
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There isn't a way to tell her that her words and behavior are hurtful that will give you what you probably want: a guarantee that she responds like a mature human and is open to a genuine conversation, rather than reacting with hurt, rage, the silent treatment, passive-aggressiveness, etc.
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​It's called "walking on eggshells" for a reason: you don't experience your mother as someone who is safe.

[It can be a relief to know this...it can also be something to grieve]

There is no magic formula that will, if you get it juuuuuust right, make her respond the way you want her to: safely...with curiosity for herself and for you. In other words, with emotional maturity.
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Being emotionally mature doesn't mean controlling, denying, or not expressing "negative" feelings. We can be both angry and emotionally mature.
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Being emotionally mature means noticing feelings, acknowledging them, naming them, knowing how they feel in the body, and being safe with them.
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​It means hearing the wisdom in feelings rather than reacting to the energy in them.​
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And if you DO react to the energy in them (because this isn't about perfection), it means catching yourself in your reaction.
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It is the ability to experience failure or disappointment in yourself with grace rather than letting it turn into shame; without dehumanizing yourself.
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Can your mother do these things? Can she manage her own shame, triggers, and defensiveness? Can she respond to you safely? Does she want to?
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If the answer is no, do not throw yourself under the bus and blame yourself (or allow her to blame you) for her reactions. They are not, and never were, your responsibility.
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You can choose to tell her that her words and behavior are hurtful to you, but also make sure you have a plan for taking care of yourself if she doesn't respond safely/maturely.
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You get to decide who you will be relative to her choices, rather than walking on eggshells and bending and contorting yourself in hopes that it will make her a safer person. You do not have to match her energy. You can lead with your values.
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And she may still react in an immature or destructive way.
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Having an emotionally immature or "fragile" mother doesn’t have to mean chronic hurt and anger for you.

Much, much love.

Karen

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