Founder of Shame School and author of You Are Not Your Mother: Releasing Generational Trauma & Shame and Difficult Mothers, Adult Daughters: A Guide for Separation, Liberation & Inspiration
"honest conflict" vs "dishonest harmony"
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The disconnect between you and your mother might be that you want "honest conflict" and she wants "dishonest harmony." Honest conflict pings internalized shame. It's what will have her in defense-mode saying "I guess I was just a horrible, terrible mother then" rather than "ooof...yeah, that wasn't one of my finer moments." Dishonest harmony protects her from experiencing shame. It can be hard to accept that avoiding the discomfort of shame is seemingly more important to your mother than the relationship she could have with you. Having spent portions of my life unable to handle "honest conflict" in certain relationships precisely because of the internalized shame I carry, I know how scary it can be. And this is exactly why becoming shame-resilient is so important. I can also tell you this: life is much richer (and more fun) now that I am no longer afraid of honest conflict. Much, much love, Karen |
Karen C.L. Anderson
Founder of Shame School and author of You Are Not Your Mother: Releasing Generational Trauma & Shame and Difficult Mothers, Adult Daughters: A Guide for Separation, Liberation & Inspiration
...and blame isn't universally bad or wrong, and it's something we are often shamed for. [this is a long one] Remember the conversation I had 20-ish years ago with my father-in-law, who was a soft-spoken, unassuming, wise Lutheran pastor originally from Canada? If you're new to my world, here it is (and if you know this story, there's a new twist): I was telling him about the difficult relationship I had with my mother and what I might do to make it better (i.e., have an honest conversation...
"It's hard not to be on the defensive, after a lifetime of being defensive," she said."Of COURSE you're defensive...it makes all the sense in the world that you're defensive," I replied. "I'm defensive, too.""Oh wow...why do I feel like crying with relief?" she asked."Because you've been making yourself wrong for being defensive," I answered. "Getting mad at yourself for being defensive is like getting mad at yourself for shivering when you're cold. We're biologically wired for it.""It feels...
[have a question you'd like me to answer? hit reply on this email and ask! I'll answer here, keeping you anonymous...Dear Abby's got nothin' on me!] Question from a reader: How do I stop working so hard to please my self-absorbed mother? Dear Adult Daughter… People-pleasing (aka “fawning” or “appeasing”) is a stress/trauma response/adaptation. It is something your very young nervous system did to keep you safe and alive. Understanding that (and not making yourself wrong for doing it) is the...