Author of You Are Not Your Mother: Releasing Generational Trauma & Shame and Difficult Mothers, Adult Daughters: A Guide for Separation, Liberation & Inspiration
"honest conflict" vs "dishonest harmony"
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The disconnect between you and your mother might be that you want "honest conflict" and she wants "dishonest harmony." Honest conflict pings internalized shame. It's what will have her in defense-mode saying "I guess I was just a horrible, terrible mother then" rather than "ooof...yeah, that wasn't one of my finer moments." Dishonest harmony protects her from experiencing shame. It can be hard to accept that avoiding the discomfort of shame is seemingly more important to your mother than the relationship she could have with you. Having spent portions of my life unable to handle "honest conflict" in certain relationships precisely because of the internalized shame I carry, I know how scary it can be. And this is exactly why becoming shame-resilient is so important. I can also tell you this: life is much richer (and more fun) now that I am no longer afraid of honest conflict. Much, much love, Karen |
Karen C.L. Anderson
Author of You Are Not Your Mother: Releasing Generational Trauma & Shame and Difficult Mothers, Adult Daughters: A Guide for Separation, Liberation & Inspiration
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